Thursday, March 8, 2012

Flash Fiction #13



Maggie and her beaux were kissing far away under the willow tree. She told on me cause I spied on them and I got paddled.  I wiped my tears and giggled.  She didn’t know I could still see them from my hidey-hole under the porch.  
    
These wasps would make Maggie cry when she opened her dresser.
 
My hands got too excited, and I squished the nest.  They all poured out.  Their stingers got me everywhere.  My skin was fire.  I screamed and screamed but no one heard.  Finally my throat wouldn’t let anymore screams out but it didn’t hurt anymore.       

40 comments:

  1. A very graphic representation of anaphylactic shock! That's a real tale of horror. Good one.

    http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/the-thief-of-time-friday-fictioneers-9th-march-2012/

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    1. Thank you! I read it to my eldest daughter (who is planning to enter the medical field) and had to explain anaphylactic shock to her. Then she said, "OH! I get it!"

      ~Susan

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  2. Wow, that ending took me by surprise. How sad.

    Here's mine: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/03/09/waiting/

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. The ending actually took shape as I was typing - I wasn't sure where it was going until I got there!

      ~Susan

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  3. Great use of voice to incapsulate the scene. You told us so much about who was speaking by that alone.

    Here's mine: http://teschoenborn.com/2012/03/09/friday-fictioneers/

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    1. I wondered if that last sentence stuck true to the voice. It seemed a little "off" to me. I'm glad you liked it, though. Thank you for commenting!

      ~Susan

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  4. Yikes what an ending. Poor kid. Feel so sorry for her. She didn't deserve that. Here's mine: www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com

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    1. Welcome to my nightmare...sometimes I try to write "pretty and sweet" but it rarely stays on course. Thank you for reading!

      ~Susan

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  5. Yikes! I hate wasps and with good reason. If you want to check mine out, it is here: http://www.lisamccourthollar.com/2012/03/hunted.html

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    1. I was stung on the knuckle on time while mowing. It really did feel like my skin was on fire. I didn't think the all-encompassing pain would ever go away.

      ~Susan

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  6. I see we have an affinity for hidey-holes! LOL

    lordy, I hate wasps...your story made me cringe! Good job :)

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    1. Thanks! And, I liked your hidey-hole piece - from the wasp's viewpoint...

      ~Susan

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  7. A practical joke gone awry? Such a sad end to the tale.
    The overflowing speed of the first few lines read perfectly, just like the overactive mind of a child/teenager!
    Well written.


    Mine is here:
    http://garybaileywriting.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/fridayfictioneers-is-it-safe/

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    1. Thank you muchly...I've written a couple pieces from a child's perspective. It's fun to use that simple voice. I'm glad you enjoyed this week's offering.

      ~Susan

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  8. Wow! This took me through such an array of emotions It was really well done and my favorite so far!
    http://susielindau.com/2012/03/09/a-sexercise-for-my-book-125-word-flash-fiction/

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    1. Thank you - I take that as a great compliment, as you were the one to invite me to this great group.

      ~Susan

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  9. Dear Susan,

    The end of the line for your narrator was written quite well. I have almost died from asthma attacks twice in my life and found myself right there with your MC in a few short words. You were right on with your last sentence.

    Aloha,

    Doug

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    1. Dear Doug,

      Oh good - I was worried it didn't stick with the rhythm of the story. I once fell from a tree and landed on my back. I can say the terror of lying there, unable to breathe, is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I could see and hear...but not a squeak of air would come into my lungs - I can't imagine fearing that at any time - as with your asthma.

      Thanks for reading...

      ~Susan

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  10. Good story. The nest in the photo was made by mud-daubers, but no matter. I like hiddy-holes too.

    glad you enjoyed mine.

    here's the link http://russellgayer.blogspot.com/

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    1. Oh, I know...we had them all over our house in Virginia. They especially liked the underneath side of my grill and inside my wind chimes. We left them alone - even in the garage - because they are considered beneficial insects. Nonetheless, they inspired me to write today...Thanks for reading, Russell.

      ~Susan

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  11. Oh no. I didn't expect that at all and it was so sad. :( good work with the prompt, though!

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    1. Yes...it was a little morbid wasn't it. What a high price to play for a little prank.

      ~Susan

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  12. Hi Susan,
    Ouch, that story stung me. I didn't see that coming any more than the peeping kid did. Great child-like voice throughout. I think it's an amazing story. I can relate because I live in Arkansas and we are bug central, including wasps, bees, hornets, chiggers, ticks and mosquitoes. Thanks for your comment on my story. It was influenced by Sling Blade. It's one of my favorite movies too. Living here, I often see characters that could come right out of Slingblade. I see your story as Southern, almost like Carson McCullers. Really liked it. Your stories are consistently great.

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    1. Thank you for your supportive words. I am glad you agree with the voice and storyline. I look forward to hearing what you and one or two others think of my work - I take what you say to heart. Thanks again...

      ~Susan (Now I want some of them french fried taters)

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  13. OH! Good grief. That took a turn I didn't expect at all. I went from chuckling to dang in point five seconds. Way to go on this prompt!

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    1. You and me both! I really didn't know what was going to happen to the poor kid until it happened. I like to present an unexpected twist or ending - I try not to make things too predictable. I'm glad you liked it!

      ~Susan

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  14. Oh, WOW! Great story--enjoyed the "sucker-punch" at the end. I did NOT see it coming at all. Nice job.

    Mine: www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html.

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    1. Thank you...I like to sucker-punch people (not literally, of course!)

      ~Susan

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  15. Ow! Ow! from me also. Pretty harsh little tale, susan, but terrifically realistic and kind of charmingly rendered....

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    1. Thank you, Linda. I appreciate you reading and commenting on my little story.

      ~Susan

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  16. Oh dear, another little brother snooping, but this time he got the worst of it. Tragic, but well done.

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    1. It was a pretty rough price to pay for snooping. I'm glad you enjoyed this.

      ~Susan

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  17. Being named Maggie and having had a little, snooping brother I could relate--though I'd never wish for that end. Nice use of a kid's POV without being too childish, and the last line was, gulp, unnerving. Good story.

    Here's mine: http://mymusings-maggie.blogspot.com/2012/03/friday-fictioneers-im-back.html

    Maggie

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    1. Oh! I randomly picked the name. I didn't even think about it belonging to one of the Fictioneers! Thank you for reading and commenting.

      ~Susan

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  18. Heavy duty, Susan! I didn't expect that last turn. Gothic horror tragedy all in 100 words - I'm exhausted! Good one!

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    1. "Gothic Horror"...I like that. Sorry to run you through the wringer, but I'm glad you read and enjoyed.

      ~Susan

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  19. Ouch! Revenge is a sour thing... Nicely written.

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    1. Revenge to the nth degree...thanks!

      ~Susan

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  20. Heartbreaking story, Susan. Great voice and I wonder where you might go with it from here.

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    1. Thank you, Madison. Sometimes I do wonder which, if any, of my 100 word shorts would make a full length story...

      ~Susan

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