Thursday, April 12, 2012

Flash Fiction #17



My heart thumped in my chest when I saw the tunnel.  I was scared of its pee-smelling blackness and the hungry thing that lived inside.  But, I had to get the groceries before Momma woke up.  Or else.  Every other time, my big brother Kyle had been with me.  Today I was on my own.

I ran in fast but slipped on something wet.  I heard gurgled breathing behind me and scrambled to my feet.  I ran and ran.  Then I was back in the sun.  I was safe...  

The list!  Where was it?  I dropped it in the dark...

See http://madisonwoods.wordpress.com/ for the weekly photo prompt.  Read what the #FridayFictioneers have to offer on her blog and on Twitter!  
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45 comments:

  1. Oh no! She must not go back in. This story must be expanded, please. The suspense is killing.

    Here is mine: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/flash-fiction-story-eloped/

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    1. She has to! She dropped the list...
      I'm glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for taking the time to comment!

      ~Susan

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  2. Great suspense! Loved it. Sounds like she's as afraid of Momma as the monster in the tunnel, so I wonder what she'll do about that list!!

    My story, "Shell Shocked" is here: http://www.banterwithbeth.blogspot.com/

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    1. I'm glad you caught that - thank you! It was hard to fit it all in in so few words. Mommas can be pretty scary too - as scary as monsters.

      ~Susan

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  3. I think she should try her very, very best to remember what was on that list. Sinister and graphic. Well done.

    http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/a-place-to-die-for-friday-fictioneers-13-april-2012/

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    1. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed this week's offering.

      ~Susan

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  4. I loved the "pee-smelling blackness". I think everyone experiences that smell at least once in their life so the image it pulled up was imediate and powerful. Great story. Here's mine: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/04/13/the-incident/

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    1. For some reason, that smell terrifies me. I mean, if someone feels alone enough to do that in some dark corner of a parking garage (or other out of the way place), what else would he feel comfortable doing? Right? Thank you for your positive comments!

      ~Susan

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  5. Does she go back for the list? Wonderful last line.

    Here's mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/04/13/friday-fictioneers-3/

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    1. I think she has to. She feels an obligation (and maybe a greater fear) to complete her task. Thank you for commenting!

      ~Susan

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  6. I really felt the character. Wonderful job!

    http://swthink.blogspot.com/2012/04/michael.html

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    1. Thanks, Brooke. Glad you stopped by!

      ~Susan

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  7. Terrific surprise ending! Here's mine: http://furiousfictions.com.

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it, Joseph.

      ~Susan

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  8. This must have happened a million times over – in our minds when we were children. You tap into that perfectly. It's elemental, Dr Watson!

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    1. Thank you. I have concluded (I wasn't sure when I was writing) that the "hungry thing" is purely in his imagination. Thanks for stopping by!

      ~Susan

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  9. I envision a beast inside, forked hooves, matted pelt, gnarled horns. I've visited with him before; I call him 'The Gruff'.

    I enjoyed the read.

    Thank you.

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. I like your take on the "hungry thing"...

      ~Susan

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  10. As a kid, I used to be scared of the dark. Your story just reminded me of all that. I wonder if the "hungry thing" is a figment of her imagination! :)
    Thanks for sharing this...

    Here's my attempt for the week-
    http://faitaccompli.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/the-dark-tunnel/

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    1. I think it is all in the kid's head...but you never really know! Thank you for your comment.

      ~Susan

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  11. Oh...Please don't go baaaaaaack! Great story and use of the prompt. Those things that go bump in the night can be terrifying.
    A light take on the prompt~
    http://susielindau.com/2012/04/13/high-hopes-150-word-flash-fiction/

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    1. Yes, it's the unseen that is the scariest. The dark of night can transform a scratching branch into a witch's finger.

      ~Susan

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  12. I could so see that kid! Great job. here's mine http://jemcogdell.blogspot.com/2012/04/running.html

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm headed to read yours.

      ~Susan

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    1. Yep! Go figure...now she has to go back and look for it.

      ~Susan

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  14. Dear Susan,

    Have to agree with Sandra. I'd be thinking up excuses like, "the wind blew it out of my hands, or anything just to keep from having to go back in that tunnel. Also feel I must mention that the first thing I thought of when I read 'pee smelling thing' was a wino. Go figure. Still not going back in there.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/bermuda-triangle-summer/

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    1. Dear Doug,

      Thank you for stopping by. I look forward to your take on my writing each week.

      Sometimes mothers won't accept any excuse when a task is not completed to their liking. I think she will have to face the "hungry thing" and find that note!

      ~Susan

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  15. Hope she goes back with a good excuse, gets another list and finds another way to the store or shops in another... or wait til her brother gets home. There is no way I would go back in there. Let's face it, we are all a bunchy of 'fraidy cats' and this story prove it. lol. Here's mine:
    www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com

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    1. We are, aren't we? Thank you for reading. I look forward to seeing your writing...

      ~Susan

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  16. Meant to write: ...this story proves it. Nice work, Susan.

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  17. Oh NO! I feel so terrible for your narrator. The voice is so sweet and childish. And I'm annoyed with the mother. Nice job, Susan!

    Mine's here this week: http://thecolorlime.wordpress.com/2012/04/14/dead-97/

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    1. I'm glad the voice worked - I tried to stay true to it. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      ~Susan

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  18. Clever little story and the poor little child. Actually quite real. When we were young, experiences like this would happen all the time. There are so many frightening boogey-man filled places, school toilets, bedroom closets and pedestrian tunnels. You captured this wonderfully.
    Laura
    http://fictionvictimtoo.blogspot.com

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    1. I was terrified of my grandmother's sub-basement when I was a child. I still become somewhat of a scared seven y/o when I go down there! Thank you for reading and commenting.

      ~Susan

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  19. Very scary. I remember times like this when I was younger. Nice job.

    Mine's here
    http://tollykitsjourney.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/flash-fiction-story-1-for-fridayfictioneers/

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    1. I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

      ~Susan

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  20. Is there anyone who didn't have a place - tunnel, woods, basement - that made their heart thump when they were a child? You captured that feeling perfectly and luckilly I never slipped in something wet or heard gurgled breathing in mine!

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    1. The dangers in my childhood scary places were always in my mind. I hope these too are only in her mind...Thank you for stopping by!

      ~Susan

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  21. Oh my! I wouldn't go back. I'd have to count on my memory at that point.
    http://shirleymccann.blogspot.com/2012/04/nightmare.html

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    1. I think she might be too afraid not to. The price for forgetting a single item might be pretty high. Thank you for your comment.

      ~Susan

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  22. LOL. I'd have to say screw the list! Great suspense building, Susan :)

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    1. Thank you, Madison. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      ~Susan

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  23. I just read what Madison said as I was typing "Screw the List". She should fake it at the store... but that Mama sounds like a bad one.

    Here's mine... http://tedstrutz.com/2012/04/14/100-words-flash-friday-fictioneers-the-underpass/

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    1. I think Momma might be a bigger problem than whatever lurks in the tunnel (or in her mind).

      Thanks for stopping by!

      ~Susan

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