Thursday, April 19, 2012

Flash Fiction #18

I didn't use the photo prompt this week, but it doesn't mean YOU can't!
Here's how to play:

1. Take a peek at Madison's blog.
2. Write your own 100 words.
3. Post on her blog and on Twitter using the #FridayFictioneer hash tag.
4. Read what the other Fictioneers have to offer and comment away!

Here's mine (I'm not sure if I've ever written a dialog before.  I hope it works for you.  My husband said it sounds like a soap opera...sigh) 
“I killed him!” Mark screamed and sat upright in his hospital bed.  “I killed Alan!” 

His arms flailed madly, searching for escape, but the metal handcuffs held tight.  “I KILLED HIM!”

The nurse hurried into his room armed with a syringe.  “Mr. Paulson, you need to calm down.  Lie down and rest.”

“I killed my Alan!  I killed him…I,” Mark’s last words were lost in a spasm of sobs.

“Mr. Paulson.  This will help you rest.  Hush now.  You need to rest now,” said the nurse.

“I…killed…my…I…killed…”

The amber liquid mingled with his blood and muffled his words.

“I killed…my…I killed…my brother…” 
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29 comments:

  1. Not outlandish enough for soap opera writing! ;)
    It's really very good, filled with intrigue as to whether he actually killed his brother or if he's just suffering a mental breakdown and imagined it.
    Or perhaps he really did do it and is plagued with nightmares?

    Like I said...intrigue.

    Mine is this-a-way:
    http://garybaileywriting.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/fridayfictioneers-death-will-be-our-saviour/

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Fury. He was the driver in a DUI accident and is in the hospital for his injuries but under arrest for vehicular homicide. I'm off to read yours.

      ~Susan

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  2. Nicely done! I enjoyed the fact that I was wondering you got killed until the final reveal...the very last word of the piece! Excellent! :)

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    1. Thanks, Jack. It's nice to hear from you again. It's been a while since I popped in and checked out your blog. Thanks for the reminder!

      ~Susan

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  3. Dear Susan,

    It does not suck. A brutal, uncompromising look into the mind of a man who realizes he's responsible for the death of a loved one. Well done.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/the-endless-sea/

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    1. Thank you, Doug. I tried to capture his anguish...his fixation on one sole point - that he killed someone. Yes, it was an accident, but it was one he could have prevented and now he is going to pay for it.

      ~Susan

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  4. I thought the dialogue was convincing, and I too wasn't sure whether in fact he has killed or whether he's just deranged. Either way, it was compelling stuff.

    Mine's at: http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/spellbound-friday-fictioneers-april-2012/

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    1. Yeah...he killed through negligence. He's also very haunted by his actions. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

      ~Susan

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  5. I liked it! I almost thought Alan was his lover. I thought this turned out rather well actually.

    My attempt: http://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/water-the-earth/

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    1. Either way, he has the guilt of killing someone near and dear to his heart. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      ~Susan

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  6. Well, I also had a blank spot with the prompt this week, which caused me to really suck - literally!
    This little story of yours, while well written, is not one of your best. I guess we need more that the word brother to turn it around. I think he should have killed his doctor!
    Yours as ever,

    Laura
    Mine is really here this time: http://fictionvictimtoo.blogspot.com

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    1. I thought it was a dud and almost didn't post it but did anyway...I thought its drunk driving message was important enough to give it a try. Ug.

      ~Susan

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  7. Interesting.

    I assume the nurse was trying to help him, but maybe he was being drugged and manipulated, and that is why Alan is dead?

    Nicely done.

    http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/

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    1. The nurse is sedating him so he cannot hurt himself. The restraints (handcuffs) were put there by the police so he cannot escape his punishment.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      ~Susan

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  8. I guess I was too vague...the photo prompt shows empty beer bottles and car keys and another clue lies in the "metal cuffs" binding his hands.

    ~Susan

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  9. The dialogue was good, Susan. When I saw the keys and beer bottles I assumed it might have been a wreck, but the handcuffs in the hospital kind of threw me.

    I had an awful time with this week's prompt. But you can't hit a home run every time at bat.

    http://russellgayer.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you for stopping by to check out my writing this week. I'm off to check out yours.

      ~Susan

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  10. It's fine. Don't worry. You also did a good job of maintaining the suspense until the final revelation.

    Here's my story: http://wp.me/p24aJS-3Z

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    1. Thank you kindly. I'm glad you stopped by. I'm of to read yours!

      ~Susan

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  11. Maybe a little soap opera-esk, doesn't mean anything, other than it was very dramatic. Good job.

    Here's mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/04/20/friday-fictioneer-5/

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    1. Thank you...I'm glad you liked it. (Reminds me a little of Young Frankenstein..."He vas my BOYFRIEND!"

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  12. Not bad for someone who was hesitant. Think about this. Tell your husband, if written as a soap opera...he better be a great actor...if not, an amateur actor would play it mawkishly over-the-top, lose the role and end up as an accountant for the rest of his life. lol. Here's mine:
    www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you for stopping my and commenting. I appreciate the positive feedback.

      ~Susan

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  13. A saga of horror, shock and guilt. A prequel to this would be interesting too!

    Parul
    http://faitaccompli.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/layla/

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    1. Thanks! I'm not sure what happened before this; I do know that he made an irresponsible choice!

      ~Susan

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  14. Well it sure makes me want to know what happened and how he managed to kill his brother. I wondered also why he's handcuffed to the bed. All in all it raised a bunch of questions that would make me keep reading, so you did a good job :)

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting' I'm glad you enjoyed this. He is under arrest for killing Alan...and considered a flight risk...hence the handcuffs.

      ~Susan

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  15. I think your first dialog is just fine. And a meaningful story. I thought it was a little soap opera till I went back and looked at the photo again, and the true meaning of the story hit me. No longer 'soap opera'. Very well done.

    p.s. I did use Madson's prompt ☞ http://tedstrutz.com/2012/04/20/flash-friday-fictioneers-drip-drop-drip/

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    1. Thanks for noticing the correlation between the picture and the story...and thank you for your kind comment.

      ~Susan

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